Baltimore Imprint 2 excerpt

Baltimore Imprint 2 is on the way!!! Check out an excerpt from the book: Chapter Nine: Elevation with a side of misinterpretation

Chapter Nine: Elevation with a side of misinterpretation

It had been almost two years since I decided to part ways with Raye after being best friends for over twenty years. After coping with the experience and demise of our long-term relationship, I had decided, like usual, that it was only right to go back into hermit crab mode. After all, how could I trust anyone enough to start forging new relationships when things had gone the way they had with me and Raye? Hadn’t I endured enough at this point? Was it worth it? It was no secret that I had allowed the negative experiences I had encountered to keep me from creating new positive experiences simply because I had told myself there was no real resolve for me. Of course, I wanted to create new relationships that did not require me to water myself down, but a huge part of my existence felt like that was not possible. I was tired of trying to make light of uncomfortable situations and walking into situations where I unconsciously triggered other people's insecurities by simply being myself. It frustrated me when I observed the many people who knew what I had been through and saw my struggles firsthand. Yet, they had somehow managed to hate me for my progress and strong will that always allowed me to overcome every battle, no matter how complex. People often try and glorify empowered women, but they never offer you the truth in terms of how uncomfortable things can be for the empowered woman who has decided to overcome her environment. The irony was I had started to see that some form of adversity would always be brewing in the midst, whether I welcomed it or not. Growth was just as problematic as stagnancy, and this was a dynamic I hated experiencing simply because it left me feeling like people wanted to punish me for growing past their expectations. I was once again allowing my fear to get the best of me, but I would soon meet new people who would remind me that there were still good people left in the world despite the negative thought process I had been clinging to that informed me otherwise. My business had started growing, but I was still working full-time at an assisted living facility, constantly meeting new people. Working at the facility helped me to grow in terms of my communication skills. I started finding it easy to talk and interact with people, and suddenly, I was back to my old self again. I didn’t realize it until one day; I was instantly thrown off when I overheard a coworker describe me as a people person. There had to have been a disconnect. How was I being described in such a way after having been in hermit crab mode since my trauma?  Once again, God stepped in and decided to send me yet another resource he knew I needed at the current moment that I was unaware of. It was no secret that I had always been comfortable standing alone, never feeling like I needed others in my space to feel content. But I wasn’t ready to own that we all need people in our space to thrive in a healthy way conducive to a healthier mental stance, which I had been lacking due to the sting of old experiences. I had met many people while working at the facility, but only two of them stood out to me as contacts I would feel comfortable utilizing outside of work. Kiana and Alexis were two co-workers I was starting to get more and more comfortable communicating with despite my anxiety. Alexis was about eight years older than me and a Leo like my mother. From day one, when she started on the night shift, she and I connected immediately; it was like we had known one another for years. Kiana was a few years younger than me, and she and I also clicked right away. The irony is that so much about Kiana reminded me of Raye. It made it clear that I preferred certain energy within my social networks.  Kiana invited me to a concert and agreed that Alexis could accompany the group. This got things rolling in a different direction because I had not been in the spirit of trying to make friends since the event with Raye had occurred. But it was easier forging bonds with these two ladies simply because it felt natural like I had known them forever. After agreeing to go to the concert with the girls, I went online to order my outfit and shoes and was getting prepared to go have some much-needed fun with a new group of women. Suddenly, my old nemesis anxiety crept in, and I started having opposing thoughts about my new friends. What if I went and they turned out to be just as phony and envious as the women I had previously befriended in my past? Suddenly, my thoughts started to fail me, and I started feeling plagued by one intrusive thought after another. All of which were of a negative origin concerning this new girl group I was infiltrating my way into naturally. I decided the best way to help myself overcome my negative thought process so I could continue making progress with my new friends was to be open and honest about where I was internally and why. I informed Kiana that the real reason I had flaked on going to the concert with her was my anxiety, and I told her that I had been to myself for a long time after being betrayed by numerous people. It felt impossible to abandon my negative thought processes concerning building new bonds. After coming clean with Kiana about my experiences in friendship and how it had cultivated a culture of fear and anxiety for me, she expressed that she, too, had been through some issues with a friend and was no longer communicating with her. Hearing her disclose her experiences where her friend exhibited jealousy and hatred led me to understand that we had much more in common than I had originally understood. She told me she could see me and her becoming best friends, and the truth was I had thought that upon meeting her and conversing for a few weeks. She was extremely comical, stylish, hardworking, and outspoken, which I greatly appreciated. It felt good to reach a place in my life that I previously thought would not come. Just a year ago, I had told myself I wouldn’t ever find new friends simply due to my habits of staying in the house and my dire ability to allow my anxiety to lead the way. Just like that, I had gained traction with new people, being my former outgoing self, planning friend dates and girls' trips, and allowing the new bonds I created to grow despite my fear of the future. For the longest time, I had been a prisoner of my own mind due to the constant hateful energy I would receive from the people within my environment. This caused me to take on avoidance behaviorism due to my constant doubt. I would often try to dissect what it was about me that made others so bothered, angry, bitter, jealous, and petty, and the list would go on and on. There I stood daily, trying to focus on my own plate. I tried to cultivate a life that would allow me to be the best mother, daughter, sister, and achiever I could be because, in reality, those were the only things that were important to me. I didn’t understand how my aspirations, progress, or behavior could upset someone, especially when striving to be the person I felt God was calling me to be. Nothing about who I was had changed internally. Sure, my outward aesthetic had evolved regarding the physicality of the culture of living I had cultivated, but I was still the same Nina. I was still the Nina who loved to make people laugh, spoke her mind whenever prompted, cared about everyone more than she cared about herself, was ambitious, shy, hardworking, opinionated, loyal to a fault, and understanding. I was also still the Nina afraid of her potential, insecure about the light that made others feel uncomfortable, too forgiving, with a poor temperament that often skewed my ability to uphold emotional intelligence when triggered. I was starting to understand that I could truly be myself and not worry about the pushback I received from people who didn’t know me, had never had a conversation with me, and were interpreting me based on the opinions of others or the valor they extracted from my social media platforms. One of the main commonalities I had started to notice was all of the awkward components that were starting to show up in my life anytime I tried to make an additional improvement and stand on my capabilities. I started to understand the disservice I was offering to my reality every time I critiqued myself in an overbearing way, doubted the capabilities I knew existed within me, and fed into the outside world that constantly wanted to place me in a box. I started wondering what makes the world want to confine the black woman to so many statistical spaces despite her ability to show the world that she is thriving and does not belong in a defined space.  Why is it that we are not allowed to be smart, funny, outgoing, ambitious, independent, creative, agile, submissive, stern, catering, caring, and powerful without others making us feel as though we have to pay a toll to a world that wants to make us feel that if we encompass too many things at once we should therefore be considered “too much.”  Society teaches us that the black woman can not be filled internally with multiple traits of excellence without her having to subject herself to a world that will teach her that because she has overcome misplaced stigmas and crossed the threshold that was never supposed to be compromised, she must now be spoon fed crumbs within her existence. Crumbs that allow her to believe she cannot have a certain type of circle because the world says all black women are competitive and jealous-hearted regarding one another. The crumbs that allow her to believe she must settle for the lackluster relationship that comes with a black man who is making less money, less educated, and less interested in upholding her to a space of prominence where she can be made to feel safe, respected, and nurtured in the way she deserves and desires. Then there are the crumbs that convey to the black woman that she must be a “ride or die” candidate in terms of the way she faces life. Teaching her that she has to endure struggle because there is no happy peaceful existence for her unless there are struggle components within her relationships, finances, or overall capability to create a life indulged with purpose. To make it plain and simple, I was tired of entering spaces where it was clear to me that people felt as though my only right to be in the space, I was currently inhabiting could be based on my aptitude to lessen the blow of my existence by muting myself in spaces where people did not understand or interpret me correctly. This always allowed me to revert back to a mental space of exploration that would lead me down a path where I consistently probed my way through the past, comparing in contrast how it was always easier for me when I wanted nothing, achieved less, and was failing more based on poor decision-making skills. This skewed expectation allowed me to understand the importance of living my truth no matter who that truth disrupted. I told myself I would never again allow the world to place me in a box because I knew God had not blessed me with the ability to discover and interpret myself in depth for me to turn around and compact and confine my true nature. This realization helped me start to own who I was and who I was becoming. I started relying on my emotional intelligence to help me consider that the overall truth in terms of my being misinterpreted was not something I needed to care about. Based on the understanding that I had cultivated a new life allowing me to see that most of the inappropriate behaviors distributed in my direction based on my stance had nothing to do with me. And that discovery alone was freeing because it allowed me to take up space and be unapologetic. It frustrated me that people's perceptions were never fueled with accuracy. I wondered what it was about the black woman and her unanticipated growth that led her constituents to feel plagued and disrespected by her glow-up. What about her made others want to brand her as a pretentious snob with the nerve to evolve in the open amongst observers who did not want, respect, or value her transition? While viewing her with an envious scope as they probe their way through the Million Dollar question that was often asked secretly. Who does she think she is? If I ever had the opportunity to answer, I would say she thinks she is the answer to the generational curses that have been unconsciously handed down generously within her lineage since the beginning of time. She thinks she is the woman who has been through trauma, did the shadow work to heal, and has cultivated an understanding that life does not have to be filled with the struggles of her previous environment. I think the irony that has always been the most disturbing to me is the ideology that there is no real win when you are in certain types of environments. People will attack, taunt, and talk about you for being anxious, unaware of your Prescence, and speak against you for owning the insecurities they have placed upon your being. Yet if you have the favor and ability to rise above that sort of mental and environmental subjections and decide to be stern in who you are by loving yourself to the fullest capacity, embracing your intellect, and understanding your environment to the point you can interpret the outcome long before you hear, see, or experience anything leading to a mental disruption you are deemed a problem. Leading me to deduce that no matter which road you decide to travel, there will always be misinterpretations along the way, so you might as well travel the road of empowerment and enlightenment. The road that leads you to a prominent space where you can fully understand yourself enough to own your talents and capabilities, give back to the world by pouring into others through the goodness that God has diligently poured into you free of charge, and live out loud. So, when you are faced with this million-dollar question again in real-time, and someone inquires, “Who does she think she is?” you can answer, “I am the woman God has created me to be!”