The other day my daughter walked gracefully into her sixteenth year of life. Leaving me in a state of disbelief as I reflected on all that I have overcome during my sixteen years of parenting. I was a year older than my daughter when I found out she was growing inside of my immature wound. Leading me to reflect on how afraid, alone, and clueless I felt during those days. I took on the massive responsibility of caring for a baby as nothing more than a mere baby myself. After hearing the news, I scheduled an appointment to terminate the pregnancy after my best friend assured me that I was fucking up the rotation of our dreams. How would I go off to college with her, party, and live my best life with a baby glued to my hips? She questioned many times, leading me on a path filled with numerous questions that I didn't have the answers to.
Although I didn’t know what to do, I tried my best to sit with my options for as long as possible—weighing the pros and cons of both choices trying to figure out the right thing to do. After much deliberation, I decided to make the appointment and rid my body of the responsibility I felt I was not prepared for. But what I didn't know was that God had already had a plan and a purpose for me and the fetus growing inside my teenage body. The choice resting in my hands would soon become more accessible because God would make sure things went as they were supposed to despite my plans to do differently regarding my child. My best friend and I arrived at the Doctors office prepared to give my fetus the boot and move along with our young dreams as young ladies who would conquer the world while living our best unaccountable lives. I laid down on the hospital bed with my friend at my side, appearing to be anxious. It looked to me that if she could have performed the procedure, she would have.
Sitting there acting as if we were waiting in line at customer service prepared to do a return and be on our way. For it appeared to us both that I had left the store with a lot more than what I had intended to purchase. The return would allow us to be back on our path as Laverne and Shirley doing whatever it is we wanted to, which in our cases was usually the wrong thing! The ultrasound technician pulled out her supplies, preparing me for my first ultrasound. I had been made aware at the appointment that I would have an ultrasound to determine gestation and then move on to scheduling the procedure to terminate the pregnancy. I lay still filled with anxious emotions as I watched the Tech spread the jelly-like concoction over my belly. Would you like to look at the screen? The technician asked.
Giving me the option not to engage, but I declined. The science lover in me couldn't help but feel curious, wanting to get a visual for the new process that was taking place inside of me. I sat at the screen watching as my best friend appeared to be just as intrigued by the visual as I. When the unexpected happened. She's waiving at you; the tech cried out with a smile as I stared at the screen in shock. Watching as it appeared, my child was grasping hold of my heart, making it clear to me at that moment that she had just as much of a right to exist as I. Long story short, that day I walked away from the doctor’s office feeling as though the human being growing inside of me was important and was meant to be a part of my journey. Despite the fear and uncertainty I felt revolving around the issue of becoming a teen mom.
I was changing my mind right away and going through one of the most challenging choices of my life. Shortly after deciding to go through with the process, I had dropped out of school, gave birth to my child, and returned to high school the following year. I was planning to graduate with the oldest of my younger siblings and concentrating hard, determined to stay on my original path and get honor roll, shortly after running into numerous roadblocks that would lead me to quit high school for the second time due to having no childcare, money, or adequate support system. I didn't have any resources, nor did I know the available resources that could have potentially kept me from having to drop out. I would spend many days feeling consumed with frustration and sadness due to my uneducated status. Often looking at my daughter and feeling that although my life had become harder than what I had desired, I knew I had made the right choice.
Even now, as I type these words, I shed tears because I can't believe all of the hard days I have overcome. I gave birth to my daughter in 2005 and would not meet my educational goals until 2010, when I finally acquired my G.E.D. and enrolled in college, graduating with honors in 2012. Sure, termination would have made my life and childhood easier, but there is never any real purpose in taking the easy path. The first time I laid eyes on my daughter, it was as if she sparked something inside of me. Something that made me want to do better despite my lack of confidence, resources, and knowledge. I walked into the realm of motherhood, clueless learning along the way. I was missing out on most of my young adult years because I never wanted to be the mother who pushed her child to the side—only going places where I could bring my child with me.
I had everyone talk to me about how clingy I regarded her. Always showing up with her glued to my hip and feeling serene with that dynamic. I looked at my daughter today, admiring her beauty, intelligence, and overall ability to be age-appropriate. Thinking to myself, "thank you, Jesus," because, at her age, my friends and I were a hot-ass inappropriate mess. You couldn't find an adult who was more mature and prepared for life than my best friend and me, or so we thought at that time. We walked around thinking we had life figured out, unaware that God would be dishing out some much-needed humble juice for our asses as she went off to an HBCU for the first time, and I went on to become a mom. There were many times I felt as though I was missing out. Wishing I could have had the same experiences as my friends and siblings.
After watching them, all leave for college before me. I later recognized that it didn’t matter when I started with my goals as long as I got started. All of my friends and family who left for school before me all ended up coming back home, leaving me to be the first to graduate from college out of the group. Leaving me to realize that time is trivial. I could have started early and left when they all did and would have most likely returned home without graduating just as they had. I often feel like God sent my daughter to help me get my life together. Had I chosen differently, I can honestly say I believe my life would have been less structured. Listening to my daughter speak alone has been a blessing.
I often reflect on how much our sense of confidence, self-worth, and compassion at the age of sixteen differs significantly. I couldn't imagine my daughter being sixteen and pregnant, nor could I imagine her making some of the poor choices that I did at her age. Many times in my life, I have beat myself up for my options, telling myself that I had done differently, I could have gotten to my current internal space sooner. I now realize that I was not here sooner because I was not meant to be. Nor do I believe I would have been able to get here sooner due to my internal dynamic that needed a structure that, at that time I lacked tremendously. Going through teenage motherhood was a challenging experience, and sometimes I didn't feel emotionally equipped to handle the presented task. Nonetheless, I would often tell myself that there would one day be a light at the end of the tunnel. That light would transform into a treasure chest filled with the abundance of unconditional love, growth, wisdom, accountability, and the overall euphoria that comes along with watching a seed grow into a beautiful young lady who has all the makings to become a beautiful woman someday.
My years as a sixteen- and seventeen-year-old were met with great adversity. That helped me raise my daughter to be better than I was at that age. Every time I look at her, I am reminded of how my harrowing experiences enabled me to give her better than what I had. While also identifying with her being my blessing and catalyst for change. Transforming me as a young woman giving me a purpose while helping me to be the teacher, provider, and muse I initially didn't believe that I could ever be. Had I known that things would have turned out the way they did for my child and me, I could have been a little gentler with the teen girl trying to figure out life with no tools or resources. But I didn't know, and today I am thankful that God didn't take his hand off me, my child, or the favor he granted her long before the simple gesture of a wave on an ultrasound screen allowed me to become engulfed with compassion. Time is a universal concept that cannot be altered no matter how long we sit with it.
Watching the clock like a hawk as we try to rush our process to the end. Hoping that result will be everything we have envisioned for ourselves and our loved ones. There were many times I tried to rush my process, wanting to rush to the end of my chapter. Only to have life intervene, reminding me that the future cannot be imaged sooner than God intends. On my daughter's sixteenth year, I can say that I am truly blessed for how things have turned out for us because she is truly everything and more. As she reminds me frequently with her overall beauty of the very first day, she shed her light on my life. Allowing me to see and feel how God linked us together, allowing her to be a bundle of serenity that has led me to thrive in ways I never thought I could. A light that has fueled me for sixteen years to wake up daily trying my best to be worthy of a blessing that was unlike anything I could have hoped for.
Every time I look at her, I see a shine and purpose God has allowed me to be a part of. As I take part in watching her blossom into someone that is truly a gift from God. I can look at the process of our journey and give thanks as I say hello, Sweet Sixteen; you are welcomed on this day! While I reminisce over my experiences that have taken place during this duration of time and feel peace for the growth, I was never sure would come—leading me to recognize that her life gave me life and kept me from spiraling in the ways I potentially could have due to my environment. Sixteen years of sharing my space with a beautiful entity that has rejuvenated my spirit numerous times, leading me on a path to become a woman worthy of being the mother to miss Keniyah Serenity Brown! Happy Birthday baby girl. May you always follow your heart, know your strengths, welcome your weaknesses, and allow God to lead you as you become the great person he created you to be!
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