Open Thoughts: The philosophies of a wandering mind

Open Thoughts: The philosophies of a wandering mind

By: Nedra Shantae

This morning, I went down a rabbit hole after talking with a good friend of mine about relationships. My friend is a Muslim woman whose relationship culture differs from mine in numerous ways. She was previously married to a man who has had the privilege of having multiple wives. In the beginning when she shared with me the cultural components of her marriage, I remember being shocked at how submissive she was to her husband. This mainly is due to ignorance and my being an independent woman who possesses more masculine energy than what I would prefer due to my own culture of living. A woman who is left to raise children, work, influence, teach, and provide for a family on her own will usually find that she lacks a balance between her feminine and masculine energy due to having to play the role of the man and the woman within her household. In turn, this creates an evolutionary tale of caution because she now has acquired everything, she needs to be a sound provider. Yet no one warns her that this evolution and ability to thrive as the lone provider wolf will strip her of her femininity. Morphing her into a fully capable dominant essence that has now decided she does not need the intimacy of a man because she is fully capable of wearing all hats successfully on her own. Yet each time she does such her soft nature hardens leading her to diminish her essence of femininity due to the hardships that come with being a single provider.

I remember questioning if my inability to submit/ desire intimacy stemmed from a fear of submission within itself. Society teaches women that we are the tail, and the man is the head of the relationship and is supposed to lead, love, and provide for us. Yet it has been my experience that within my previous relationships, I’ve always had to be the leader in all areas whether that be spiritually, physically, or financially. Having analyzed that the only relationship I had ever experienced where I was provided for was with my son's father. Yet that relationship held zero precedence because he weaponized it in such a way that he became the catalyst for my desire to be independent. Because I didn’t want to ever feel as though I could be controlled based on my desire at that time to be taken care of properly. It was that situation that shaped my young psyche to believe that a man with the ability to provide is also a man with the ability to control. So, I committed myself to never seek out intimacy with the hopes of being taken care of. I then transmuted my beliefs into a newfound desire that highlighted my need to be the woman with the money and power instead of the woman searching for the man with those accolades. I later learned that a woman in such a position will be despised by the man with the money and the power because he feels her status and lack of neediness makes her less feminine, less submissive, and less attractive due to her inability to need his resources. I in turn also observed how a woman in such a position will attract a needy less ambitious man who has a feminine energy resting in the pit of his loins that yearns to be provided for due to his mother’s inability to do so for him as a child. This energy attracts the man who has been wounded by his relationship with his mother, so he feels drawn to the feminine woman who has masculine qualities and carries this provider spirit. In turn the woman will find that holding such qualities draw in more karmic relationships than she would desire due to her ability to give, be, do, and provide on a level that is not equated with the normalcy of a divine feminine energy. In other words when you wear the pants like the man you become a man in a figurative / metaphorical sense attracting men with feminine energies who don't mind allowing such an unbalanced role of power and gender roles to flourish if and when they feel it is beneficial to their existence. Women like this become acquainted with the narcissistic feminine version of a man because they have not aligned with someone who is their equal or has elevated beyond their current space mentally, physically, and financially.

My friend initially started out being submissive in a way that used to disturb my spirit. Later having gone through a period of discord, separation, and divorce she was no longer this agreeable spirit. Often sharing occurrences with me that allowed me to see that her new independent state had forged her into a more vocal, less domineered version of herself. This led me to the analysis that highlighted how a woman who is protected and cared for properly can have a willingness to follow, submit, and respect the outlook and rearing of her partner. Whereas a woman who has had to protect, provide, and lead herself finds the ideology of submission to be unsettling because her environment and experience has been shaped around connections with her male counterparts that has been engulfed with deception, discord, and abandonment forcing her to formulate a psychological approach that leads her to the belief that if she indeed wants something done right she must do it herself. I then considered how relationship dynamics determine so much about our essence and behavior. Is it absurd for a woman to feel content with not using her voice, having a say in her life's components, and allowing the man to indulge in all of the decision making? Or could it be deemed just as absurd to encounter a woman who works, creates, and cultivates in such a way that her existence can be equated with the behavior and existence of a man? Is it normal for a woman to crave progress in her independent life more than she desires intimacy? Can a woman with such a mindset lower her guard long enough to allow her feminine side to take root and form an intimate connection with a man or does such an energy always remain in such a state?

This led me down a path of self reflection and introspection as I questioned myself and my own behavior. I have been avoidant when it comes to forging intimate connections for years because of the spirit of fear. Fear that a man will want to come in and reshape components of my life that I believe are essential and not up for negotiation. Yesterday I heard something in my spirit remind me that avoidance is a behavioral deficit. This led me to take a closer look at what it is that scares me the most about intimate connections. My imprinted psyche has told me time and time again that if I allow a man within myspace he will want to reconstruct it to his liking. Telling me I work too much; we don't spend enough time together after being with each other consistently and telling me I have too much going on and I need to slow down. This my friends are a clear example of what trauma inspired thoughts look like in real time. Sure, I’ve experienced these sorts of things many times, yet these experiences were due to me not connecting myself with a “real man” or a man with value. Recently I had a conversation about this with a friend and she highlighted the importance of giving others grace. She disclosed to me that although my fears are logical it is illogical to have the sort of barriers up that I have and hold onto such fears simply because no man in the world can penetrate his way into your life when you have bullet proof barriers and brick walls. I started to understand the disservice my views have had on my level of connections, but it also helped me to understand why so many women find themselves in relationship limbo after thriving and growing and seeing developments in every area of life, except the relationship realm. The mere thought of lowering my protective threshold frightens me but I realize I’m more so frightened of finding someone who fits with me than not. Simply because I know what it looks and feels like to have poor connections that don't fit, but I can’t identify with what it would look like to have a healthy intimate connection with someone because I’ve never experienced that. So naturally my brain tells me to stick to the course, focus on your goals, finances, and growth because intimacy will only be a distraction and a detriment. This my friends are examples of what a poor mindset looks like. Unfortunately for so many of us we are aware of the shadows that hinder us, yet we don’t make the necessary changes because having successful outcomes in life help us to further the notion that we are good right where we are! I know this can be a common mindset for both women and men and I was merely interested in learning if thought processes like this can be shifted to a healthier space? And if so what kind of self work needs to be done to influence such a transition when there are trauma components that influence the mindset? This is the deep-rooted exploration my mind introduced me to this morning after a morning that started off with prayer, meditation, and girl talk!