Today I have been thinking about the concept of patience. Wondering what it is that urges us internally to want to rush our processes. Why is it that we find it hard to come in and take a seat? Seating ourselves in the bleachers while we stand frequently yelling out to our process that we need it to cross the finish line promptly. Hoping for the best results while we scream, chant, stress, and stagger ourselves due to the anxiety that is developed based on our inability to control time. I thought about this more after reading my horoscope. Thinking about how the Capricorn is thought to be the goat of patience and ambition .
Yet there have been several times during my process that I have allowed impatience to take the lead. Acting as the goat of progress, determination, and consistency. While also acting as the goat of morning grouchiness, poor relationship choices, and the goat of saying whatever I feel. Recognizing that the goat of being real and vocal is not welcomed in most spaces.Watching as the components of intelligence, emotional well being, sleep, love, passion, agility, resilience, and progress all race past one another. Hoping to catch up with patience , refusing to allow it to be the only victor in a race that is more figurative than realistic. You see we all wake up daily with different goals.
Some of us never truly recognizing that most of those goals have a time stamp on them that is not visible to the human eye. Placing significant time frames on the growth of the seeds we plant daily , never taking into account that our time frames are not realistic. Why do we rush our results ? Specifically when we have all witnessed how stress and anxiety depreciate our process. Creating adverse results in our body that steers us further away from growth and abundance. I thought about this today after assessing day one of a new morning routine. After listening to a Steve Harvey video via YouTube the night before.
Where Steve discussed the importance of having a morning routine. Although I have helped my children to construct organized morning routines I came to realize I lacked my own. Due to the many hats I wear I often would get up in the morning feeling sluggish, tired, and uninterested in what was waiting for me . Cultivating a come what may type of attitude. After listening to Steve's argument as to why it is important for a successful person to have a morning routine I started organizing a new routine in my head.Thinking about what the perfect morning start would look like for me. Implementing it this morning.
Waking up at 4:50 am. Feeling like my eyes were fighting to open fully as I noticed the wig that was once attached to my head had become displaced. While my set it off braids arose greeting the sun as I fought my way out of bed . Removing my youngest daughters limbs from my face . While removing my sons hard feet from my side. Waking up trying to understand why I had spent money on bedroom décor and furniture for kids who all seemed to want to pile up in my bed every night. As if they thought my new divorced status gave them and their horrible sleep routines the right to kick and poke and invade my space.
Ignoring the fact that I was no longer the skinny mom from three years ago. As my body began to overheat from all the uninvited, cute, broke ,spoiled guest that had made my space theirs. Cleaning up my home , later getting my kids supplies out for virtual school. Dressing for work after showing up looking displaced the entire previous week. Thinking back to the week of Thanksgiving when the housekeepers who clean my home failed to recognize me upon their arrival. Complimenting my look while placing extra emphasis on how they didn’t know it was me. Taking notice of how I had gone from baggy sweatsuits and pajamas, clay facial mask , and hair that was thick , lacking moisture , and unbothered.
To a blonde with clothes that were attractive . As I slayed my way through the Holiday. Secretly anticipating the next day when I could go back to the bum swag I had become more accustomed to.What they didn’t know is I had been obsessed with fashion and presentation my entire life. But after working 84 hours a week, writing psych papers back to back , and assisting kids through the virtual learning experience I was tapped out! Even my wigs were starting to look like they were exhausted. I moved on to a healthy protein packed breakfast, followed by an hour of meditation and positive affirmations via YouTube.
Afterwards waking my kids and getting them all prepared for school, while making my way to work on time full of energy that is usually inaccessible to me at such an early hour. Noticing how energized I felt when getting started with my day. Seeing how a morning routine can manifest positive energy that helps the start of the day feel more easy breezy as compared to the sluggish rat race I felt like I was running the day before. Feeling the difference in my bodies internal components as I walked into my day gracefully prepared for all that approached me. Later thinking about patience as I recognized how compromised the concept has become for me at times in relation to goals, wants, and needs. As I took notice of how the concept had begun to look like a long lost friend who had relocated to a distant land. A land that is beyond my capacity to travel to.
Asking myself what is it about patience that is different in my now as opposed to my before culture of life? Had I not always had goals that required me to rely on God's timing? I started thinking about a garden and how it is cultivated. As I correlated my thought process to be more geared towards Steve's analogy about seeds. As he referenced how seeds have to be covered in dirt in order to grow. Highlighting how the dirt is essential for the growth to be possible . Correlating that metaphorical perspective to my own.
Thinking back on all the times in my life where I grew from dirt being tossed over me (figuratively). The lies, judgments, failed endeavors, hardships, and overall regular young life experiences that at times made me feel as though life was horrible. The deadbeat dads I had managed to hand select. Overlooking every decent ,good, god fearing man that stood in front of me offering me a chance at a solid healthy relationship experience. Because the man with the looks, the money, or the swag always seemed like a better option. Shortly after coming to the conclusion that my selection process could definitely go down in history as being one of the worst. Walking away with not one, not two, but three failed relationships with men who carried a "shitttt she got this" attitude with them.
As they watch me walk through motherhood reading excerpts from the independent woman's field guide. Doing it all alone as I wore my single mother badge of honor. Never realizing how fucked up that badge really was to have to wear. Screaming I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T do you know what that means ? Every time I heard the song. Do you know what that means? It means you have a hard, busy ass, sleep resistant life, Stupid !
But unfortunately I would not get the memo until my kids entered teen hood. Later tossing my independent woman's field guide into the trash. As I stood in my thirties alone, independent, tired as fuck , breathing heavily due to weight gain. Because no one warned me how easy it is to go from looking like a snack to looking like your eating one too many! And they say thirty is the new twenty…. Girl bye! Later tossing out the Webbie anthem realizing that independence is not always the blessing we like to glorify it as. But that is a story for another day. I started observing all the times where God allowed me to be sprinkled with the dirt of life. Giving me an opportunity to grow that I would dismiss.
Brushing the dirt from my being moving forward missing the opportunity of evolution all together. Based on my young ignorance that could not grasp the ideology behind the concept of growth. Wanting to sprint through my process , failing to understand that my desire to do so was unrealistic. Shunning away from God's process because it was not what I had envisioned for myself. Essentially missing out on the blessing of evolution because I was more comfortable with being in a familiar place rather than elevate by swimming my way through the unfamiliar tides of adversity.
How many of you have done this same thing? Blocking blessings God has sent your way because it didn't come wrapped in the way you thought it should.
Passing up opportunities because the faces, places, timing, and overall package was unlike the packages you had envisioned. I can honestly say that in my young life I did this numerous times. Noticing only after my growth was stagnant. Secretly wishing I would have allowed myself the opportunity to become saturated in the dirt long enough for my being to sprout up into the beautiful flower God has created me to be.
Later coming to terms with all of my failed opportunities at growth. Recognizing that it was never meant for me to become saturated with dirt during those times because had that been the case it would have happened. Embracing patients as I walk through my new process. Holding onto the faith that God has not brought me this far to leave me planted in a bed of uncertainty, failure, or anxiety.
As I sit in the pot of life I am currently planted in. Covered with dirt , while relaxed . Waiting patiently as I work through things that are essential for my dirt to become settled . Singing D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T do you know what that means? Realizing that I am now truly a dependent woman . Depending on God to show up and show out just as he has during all of my moments of transition. Depending on faith as I sit in my pot covered in dirt , manifesting , while resting in the solace that my seeds will grow, helping me to transition into the woman God intends for me to be.
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