I arose from the sofa yesterday morning after a long night of movies, video games, and door dash with my kids. I woke up to hear the Netflix Original Voltron protruding its way through my television speakers as I looked over to the bottom of the sofa where my five-year-old lay curled up in a ball. That appeared to be highly uncomfortable. I glanced over to the adjacent couch where my son lay awkwardly. I noticed instantly how it seemed we all had been hopped up on our usual weekend hangover routine of Netflix and chill, take-out, and living room festivities. Only to fall asleep on the sofa waking up to phantom pains due to the lack of comfortability we all had managed to sleep through.
Waking up to a clean and quiet house on a Sunday is every mom's dream. Especially after having a long week full of a to-do list, schoolwork for all parties, long work shifts, and meetings. The old me would have utilized my quiet time to study, write a paper, or fall into one daunting responsible task after another. The left side of my consciousness said, why don't you do something reliable and get it over with. While the right side of my consciousness said Bitch you better not! So, to make a long story short, I decided to ride out with the right side. I never thought I'd see the day when I had to force myself to do nothing.
That is my process most days. I thought I'd honor my self-care routine, although, in the back of my mind, I wanted to take my final exam early and mark it off of my list. I started my morning with a healthy breakfast. I was reminding myself not to log in to my meal. After meeting with my nutritionist and having her rid me of the task. Telling me that she didn't want to have me get caught up in time-consuming methods. Although I agreed with the choice, I felt like it would be hard to undo something I had been doing for a while now.
I started thinking about how a few months ago, this entire nutrition process felt as though it was one I would not be able to commit to. I have been told many times that doing something for thirty days can create a habit. However, thirty days can seem long as hell when your implement new complex changes; the interval can be life-changing when transitioning to healthier lifestyle habits. For about a week, I've been trying to utilize this practice to transform myself into a morning person with a solid morning routine. The morning can be a difficult period for me because I realize I hate dedicating my mornings to structure. To get the ball rolling this morning, I decided to listen to The Path Made Clear: Discovering Your Life's Direction and Purpose by Oprah Winfrey. The audiobook rendition of this dynamic book has been a resource that has helped to shift my thought process—allowing me to encompass a more relaxed, spiritual, and passionate paradigm about my purpose.
When I first came across the audiobook, I thought it was a blessing from God. Since there were all these complicated mental hurdles, I had been battling concerning my purpose. I was starting a product line and felt called to do so. I was giving it all I could while praying to God for blessings about my brand that I was not ready for. Never taking into account that my life, responsibilities, and availability were not conducive to the type of blessings I was asking God for. Later having him send me the increase I was praying for, only to realize that I could not produce what needed to be delivered to keep up the momentum he had granted me. Later having my loved ones cultivate similar brands and had a fast success rate. One that didn't involve as many hurdles as I had faced concerning my brand.
I was later coming to terms with what I had initially presumed as failures. Realizing that God could have potentially utilized my innovative nature as an influence to help people around me find their purpose. Later coming to the reality that although my brand was something I loved and worked hard on, it was not what God had for me. Let me say that coming to terms with what's best for you is not always an easy task. Every time I looked at my labels, products, and an overall plethora of creations, I thought there’s no way this is not for me. Each time I was walking back into the fire of entrepreneurship, giving my all to something God had already dismissed for the time being. Showing up to vendors events tired because I had stayed up all night making my product line. At the same time, I was studying and writing papers back-to-back.
To the untrained eye walking in on this, I would appear to be driven, progressive, and capable. While in reality, I was those things combined with being tired, obsessive, resilient, and hardheaded. Sure, my brand was gaining traction, and it could have been successful, but God had already shown me that I was not as capable of this endeavor as I would have liked to believe I was. Meanwhile, my brother saw a different result about this endeavor because it was prepared for. Along with having a solid partnership that I did not have. For a while, it was hard for me to understand how I had worked so hard and so long at something that I had envisioned since 2009, only to not be able to show up for the opportunities that were coming my way. I didn't want to believe that this thing I had worked so hard to create could not be mine at the current moment. But what I later realized is I was doing myself a disservice.
I was holding onto something that I would never be able to give my all based on my currently full plate. Since I was a child, I have always had many talents and interests. I never wanted to commit to one avenue because so many interested me. Fashion, counseling, writing, singing, hair, interior design, and the list go on. Having multiple interests and talents often made it hard for me to narrow down what I felt my true gift was. After writing the Diary of Janay Wilkerson, my observation of my process started to speak to me. I couldn't believe how my fingers moved so fast to get out my vision. It was as if I had the story memorized. I was later noticing how a story could be cultivated in seconds.
It was as simple as sitting in front of my laptop, pulling up a document, adding a title, and boom, the story would pour out of me as if it had no mechanism of control. During the period when I sat down to write my first novel, I was going through some of the most challenging days of my life. I remember walking away from one of the most difficult experiences of my life, questioning if I could see the cultivation of my novel through. I was sitting behind my HP screen. Settling in my chair and watched my fingers flow, instantly feeling carried away by my process. I allowed the words to leave my cognitive space and implant themselves in manuscript format.
Feeling the chills that ran through my being rapidly as God pulled me away from the space, I wanted to be in so desperately into the space he had cultivated for me. One that didn't require as much effort as the others. I started to notice after listening to God and not my desires that although this was not the path I had initially selected, it did not require so many mental hurdles. Even during my moments of angst, I could shake off my doubt and do what it is I feel like God has been calling me to do. Shutting out my normal analytical process, I observe components that are not truly important. Because I am finally resting in space for me, my capability cannot be dissolved, and my lifestyle does not harm or hinder what I can produce, unlike my past endeavors. Because motherhood, work, and my psychology course load all serve as resources that are helping to transform my gift. Granting me a wide variety of topics to write about. As I listened to the path made clear, I started thinking about how my two most considerable gifts have always been speaking and writing.
I was instantly taking notice of how the two are correlational. Both have been for me because my voice is always present heavily in my writing, even when it is not a requirement. I was pondering over the professors who gave me an A on a paper despite my spelling, grammar, and formatting errors. Due to the tone of authenticity in my writings where I told my truths alongside research data, scientific evidence, and scriptural application. Like everyday readers, professors are often locked in based on the tone and voice that pushes through. You see, I had often been complimented on my writing abilities since childhood but never paid a compliment much mind. I later recognized how my gift of writing could be paired with my gift of speaking.
Utilizing the two to create publications that could inspire, influence, and teach people—sharing the many gems that rested solemnly inside of my being waiting to spread amongst those who waited for the types of stories I wanted to tell. With my brand, my days often revolved around numbers. How many sales, subscriptions, and social media likes do I capture during the day. Which is not a purposeful routine at all. I started to notice how writing is about what I can share, imagine, sculpt, and essentially cultivate for a stranger who may need a little light in their life. The feeling I get when I sit down to start my process is uncontrollable as I notice the paper that was only supposed to be 400 words is now nine pages long because it is clear I have something to say. Or the blog that initially was three minutes long and has now become ten minutes long because there is more waiting to be laid to paper.
I would never have thought my purpose would come in the form it has because although I love to speak, public speaking sends me into a spiral of nervous, anxious energy. I open my mouth to speak, and all of a sudden, my voice box starts shaking like a stripper and before you know it, I become engulfed in fear. Despite that fear, it has always been clear to the people around me and me that speaking, wordplay, analogies, and metaphorical application have been something God has blessed me with. Although I'm good at writing, I also fear sharing stories, poems, and detailed accounts of truth. Due to my fear, does that mean my gifts are invalid? The answer is no; they are not. Every day that I wake up purposefully approaching my skills and dispersing them out into the real world, I’m taking a step in the right direction, amongst critiques, skepticism, feedback, and English majors who can spot out a flaw faster than my high school English teacher I am saying hello to my purpose and goodbye to my fear.
We often want to believe our purpose is what we want the most. Or the thing we have spent the most time with, but that isn't always the case. I have spent most of my life watching movies, reading, and Dissecting other creators' work. I was wondering why a writer selected the outcome they did. While silently retelling their story to myself in my format. As a kid, my dad introduced me to a tradition of family movie time that would be one I would pass down to my children. Still carry my silent passion with me every time I watched a show or movie. Thinking to myself, I wish I could do that.
I never recognized that the only difference between the creators and me I valued, such as R.L. Stine, Steven King, and Maya Angelou, is that they all had sat down to start their process, whereas I had not. All of whom had made the journey from celebrated author to director. They showcased their ability to walk in the land of authorship while walking gracefully in the land of film. I came to understand that although it has taken me five years to figure out my true purpose, the wait has been well worth it. My purpose did not turn out to be what I had initially hoped for, created, or spent the most time with. Instead, my purpose turned out to be something I had been doing most of my life. I was never feeling the significance of it or taking the initiative to manifest it properly Because, in my mind, my purpose could not be this simple. Later understanding it was only this simple Because I was now resting in a space that had my name on it.
My assigned seat from God was waiting to be nourished instead of ignored. The purpose that worked in agreement with my other roles of purpose such as being a mother, a role model, a caregiver, a student, and a teacher. Seeing how God had selected a path for me that would not clash with my current approach. A course that I always felt was full of so many hats and requirements nothing more could fit. But God showed up planting another seed of purpose that could lay amongst the others peacefully. Helping me to understand that purpose does not always show up in a form we select, but it shows up in a form we are capable of cultivating. And yesterday, that was the understanding that captivated my Sunday morning, helping me recognize that my path to purpose has been made clear! Something that stuck with me is where Oprah states that "even your closest allies are operating with their agenda"( Winfrey, O. 2019. The path made clear: Discovering your life's direction and purpose).
In my past endeavors, I had placed so much emphasis on other people that it had clouded my creativity and capability. Although lessons were grasped based on those experiences, I later realized my experiences with my failed endeavors helped prepare me to walk in my purpose. When Wes Moore expressed to Oprah how he felt he had been waiting on God to convey to him what his purpose was, I froze instantly—listening as he talked about how "the noise had clouded his conversation with God." Later understanding that God had been speaking to him all along, but he had not been listening. This was indeed something I could appreciate because I realized I, too, had been waiting for a response God had already given me. It wasn't that I couldn't hear what he was saying; I didn't want to because his answer was not matching the vision I had cultivated for myself—later setting aside the armor of arrogance, assurance, and stubbornness.
I was suiting up my being in the armor of self-reflection, active listening, discernment, healing, and truth. Accepting the path God was offering while pushing out the idea of the path, I thought he should be contributing to me in real-time. Hanging on to Kerry's words as she stated, "I believe that when I want something, God has three answers, yes, yes but not right now, or no because I have something better for you" (Winfrey, O. 2019. The path made clear: Discovering your life's direction and purpose). Holding on to the revelation that God's plan may not always be predictable, understood, or desired, but it’s always the plan filled with the most purpose! In turn, leading us to the best versions of ourselves as we walk the path to the better existence that awaits us.
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